…or It’s Just Not Worth the Effort

Part Three Of A Three Part Series

Today I’m going to tackle two major issues around sex after 50. One is that starting around the age of 40, a quality orgasm may be hard to come by. And I seriously wrote that last sentence innocently. Two is that putting all that effort into trying to orgasm seems better served concentrating on making a grocery list or loading the dishwasher. The ROI or return on investment just seems much better.

That’s just sad…..isn’t it?

• When a clean batch of dishes trumps the desire to cross the sexual finish line.
• When applying 12 layers of “hope in a jar” and going to bed wearing non-matching flannel pajamas is more important than taking your partner out for a spin.
• It’s understandable. If at the end of all that physical and mental effort, all you get is a mere shadow of your former, younger self’s orgasm or worse — no orgasm at all, you’re left feeling like you just dismounted (pardon the phrase) one of those rides at Disney World. Two hours of anticipation for 90 seconds of “meh.”

Why are we losing interest? Very briefly, the reasons sex becomes less of a priority over time, dare I say fully uninteresting to both women AND men over time are mainly 3 things:

Physical Causes…..

• Taking certain prescription drugs. Medications like anti-depressants, especially SSRI’s like Prozac, Paxil, and Lexapro, are huge culprits. Ironically birth control pills tank circulating testosterone and tank desire. There you are taking a drug to prevent pregnancy, yet you have no interest in actually going through any baby making motions. Anti-histamines. They can have a drying effect which is no friend to the orgasm. Anti-seizure drugs, anti-anxiety and sleep medications like Valium, Xanax and Ativan.
• Lifestyle. Being chronically sleep deprived kills sexual desire. Exhausted from caring for children or aging parents? Both are not doing you favors in the bedroom. General fatigue from being sick or recovering from surgery may play a role in low sex drive. Even though a glass of wine may relax you and put you in the mood, you may also cross the line into sedation and inertia. This could also happen with marijuana, FYI.
• Your Health. Many women experience loss of libido with menopause due to the drop in sex hormones. Many non-sexually related illnesses can impact sex drive, like arthritis, cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, and brain disorders. 
• Pain with sex. If you have pain during sex or can’t orgasm it can reduce your desire for sex. Please refer to Parts 1 and 2 of this 3 part series for more details.

Emotional Causes…..

• Are you stressed? Bye-bye libido. When you have a to-do list three pages long every day, the last thing you want to ADD to the list is sex. This is the opposite for men USUALLY, but not always. For a variety of reasons, men’s testosterone levels are tanking (as well as their fertility) and so is their sexual desire. They too have succumb to the American way of massive stress and bad eating habits and lack of sleep and poor exercise and no down time and minimal outdoor exposure and no vacation time and worse.
• Are you depressed or worried? So this is akin to feeling like you are in danger (anxiety can feel like you are being chased by a lion) or completely unmotivated and inert (depression). Neither situation allows for the mental freedom and abandonment required to conjure up sexual fantasies or sexual desire.
• Relationship difficulties? Hard to want to have sex if you want to strangle your partner. Who makes those kinds of sounds anyway when they chew their food? Why are they constantly breathing too loudly? Not sure if the breathing is *loud* per se or it is a living reminder to you that they are still alive and hovering over you in the kitchen. And that could be annoying given the particular circumstances. Either way if you don’t *like* your partner, you won’t *love* having sex with them. Also, if they are having issues sexually, that’s not really a turn on. Do you feel anger or resentment toward them? This can obviously lead to feeling disconnected.

Sex Has Gotten Boring…..

Let’s face it. You may have enjoyed a good chicken salad years ago. It may have been your favorite dish on the menu. But years later, chicken salad every day just doesn’t carry the same appeal, the same allure, the urgency to have another chicken. salad. sandwich.

The old “dialing it in sex” is not going to cut it for women. And probably not for men either. For women the lack of newness and novelty is a big issue, particularly in the setting of diminished hormonal exposure. When estrogen, progesterone and testosterone levels drop, it adversely impacts areas of the brain responsible for arousal and libido.

Once you have worked on the other relevant reasons for low libido like hating how your partner breaths or fixing the knives-in-the-vagina sensation or getting off the Xanax that is dulling your senses, it’s time to put some effort into the old sex life. Stay tuned for next weeks installment of spicing up your sex life: Three Easy Steps To “Mind-Blowing” Sex!

(It’s either that…or How To Nurse Your Chia Pet Back To Life)