Part One Of A Three Part Series

A typical day in the office… I’m seeing one of my patients for her annual visit. We catch up on her life, talk about what the kids are up to, and confirm she’s up to date with all of her screening tests. We discuss recent medications or medical issues. We make sure the physical exam is normal. Overall a great appointment. Then just as I’m about to make my exit, hand on the door, gloves off (not necessarily in that order mind you) – I hear “Dr. Sadaty, I have one more question……”

Sex is definitely not something that many women love to discuss, not even with their gynecologist. However, issues around “sexual dysfunction” as it is so pleasantly referred to in medical circles, is a very common and pervasive problem. Starting as early as the 20s and definitely quite commonly after the 40s many patients report issues around sex.

Now there are several different things to unpack here. And as an aside, I’ve always wanted to use the term “unpack” when referring to something other than a suitcase. Very satisfying. But I digress….In “Part I” of today’s post, – aka, I’m too lazy to write an entire post tonight” – we will explore the issues surrounding loss of interest in sex.

You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling For Sex (and replaced it with chocolate)

Let me set the scene: You have complained to your gynecologist that you are no longer interested in sex. To be clear, YOU yourself don’t really mind that you no longer have interest in sex. But you’re starting to get flack from your partner about it.

These are practically direct quotes…

• “If I never had sex again it would be too soon”
• “Brad Pitt could be laying next to me and I’d rather read my Kindle”
• “I try to pretend I’m asleep when I hear my husband coming up the stairs”
• “God, I wish he’d just have an affair already and leave me to binge watch my shows!!!”

Obviously everyone is making light of the situation. But it’s not exactly a laughing matter.

Losing sexual interest can at minimum be an annoyance. But, given that many men measure the level of intimacy in the marriage with sex, it can put a strain on the relationship. And the bottom line is that many women are bothered by this lack of sexual vitality that they once had.

Why You Pick Chocolate Over Sex

Here are the top reasons I find that women are not interested in having sex:

ONE: Sex Hurts — Very common. Why on earth would you want to have sex if you are in pain? You wouldn’t. You literally would never want to have sex if it resulted in massive pain. Unless you’re INTO that sort of thing. But, this is New York people. Not Idaho.

TWO: You’re Bored — You may have at one time enjoyed a nice chicken salad. But if you then proceeded to eat chicken salad three times a day for 20 years, eventually, you just wouldn’t be that into chicken salad. Women need novelty. Excitement. Creativity. Throw in an enchilada from time to time. A dynamite roll. A pomegranate.

THREE: You have Low or No sensation down there — Many reasons why orgasms become “tricky” or why they are just not as robust as they used to be. I mean, who wants to have sex if at the end you’re like, wait, what? Was that it? All that effort for THAT!? What a ripoff.

FOUR: You’re Exhausted, Tired, and Cranky — Very common issue. Sex is the last thing on your mind when you feel like a bag of chips. Now sleep on the other hand, very appealing. Very Sexy. Very underrated. 99 times out of 100, sleep wins over sex. It’s paper covering rock. The scissor cutting paper. I feel like there’s one missing…oh well, let’s move on.

FIVE: Your Relationship Could Be Better — If you wake up every morning and want to “kill” your husband, you are unlikely going to want to have sex with him. Strange as that may sound. You just won’t. Now obviously it doesn’t have to be that bad. I mean gas, that I only imagined only a prehistoric creature could produce, would certainly dim the chances of a midnight interlude. But, relationship troubles generally don’t bode well in the boudoir.

SIX: You’re Partner Is Having Issues — Let’s be honest. Difficulty obtaining an erection often contributes to lack of libido. It’s frustrating. It’s not exactly an aphrodisiac for most. You may take it personally. But if there is trouble in that area, then improving your sex life means urging your partner to figure out what is going on in that department and getting help. Often times it’s a medication side effect or health concern at issue.

SEVEN: You’re Beyond Stressed Out — Let’s say that you are running away from a lion or being held up at gun point. Maybe you just realized that you went to the wrong airport and missed your flight, not that I did that last month. Are you going to want to just turn around and have sex? Uh. No, you won’t.

Now ironically, most men WOULD actually like to do just that. As a wise compounding pharmacist once said to me “Men have sex to relax, and women need to relax to have sex.”

So if you are stressed out and have too much on your plate, sex will literally be the last thing you will want to do. You don’t have to literally be chased by a lion. Though just last week I saw someone running from a lion in front of my office building. It’s a rough town that Roslyn. You could be sitting in traffic for example. Be in an annoying, soul-crushing job. Trying to get a logical answer from the DMV. Trying to get your arms around Verizon’s cell phone fees. Finally realizing that all those clarinet squeaks are actually the “Theme From Rocky” at your son’s 7th grade orchestra spring concert, followed by a stirring, yet somehow tone deaf version of “You are the Wind Beneath My Wing.” The point is, none of that will create a spark of sexual interest. But will certainly lead to scrounging around your son’s room after he’s gone to sleep, looking for his Halloween candy to consume even more chocolate…

Stay tuned for Part 2 of this 3 part series, where we “unpack” the who, what, when, where and how of Why You Pick Chocolate Over Sex.